How to Be Less Hard on Yourself: Learning Self-Compassion

Learn to accept — and even like — yourself through self-compassion

If you’re someone who holds yourself to high standards, pushes yourself hard, or feels like nothing you do is ever quite good enough, you’re not the only one. Many people find it much easier to be patient, understanding, and forgiving toward others — and yet when it comes to ourselves, that same gentleness feels difficult to provide. Being hard on ourselves can feel automatic, and many often feel that self-criticism is a necessary motivator. While some of that negative self talk might have served a purpose at some point, over time, it tends to take a toll.

That’s where self-compassion comes in. It’s not about letting yourself off the hook or ignoring what matters to you, it’s about finding a way to relate to yourself that is kinder, more supportive, and ultimately more sustainable.

What is Compassion?

Compassion is simply an openness to suffering. At its heart, it means being willing to see, hear, and sit with pain—whether it belongs to you or someone else. When a friend is struggling or a loved one makes a mistake, most of us know exactly what to do. We might offer a listening ear, reassure them they’re not alone, and remind them of their strengths. But when we’re the ones who are hurting, making mistakes, or falling short, it often feels like that inner voice switches immediately into criticism or judgment. We hold ourselves to a different standard, often one that is much less forgiving.

Developing self-compassion means learning to take that same warmth, patience, and understanding you offer others and applying it to yourself. It’s about widening the circle of your compassion to include you too.

Definining and Developing Self-Compassion

Researcher and author Kristin Neff describes the important differences between self-esteem and self-compassion. While self-esteem focuses on evaluating ourselves positively, and often depends on our success or performance, self-compassion offers something sturdier.

Self-esteem tends to rise and fall depending on how we’re doing or how we compare against others. Self-compassion, on the other hand, gives us a reliable way to relate to ourselves kindly, that doesn’t hinge on how well we’re performing.

Neff defines self-compassion as having three essential components: mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness.

1. Mindfulness

Developing mindful awareness of what you’re feeling is a key part of practicing self-compassion.

Mindful awareness is about noticing the emotion or specific type of pain you’re experiencing. This isn’t always easy to do, especially if you’re used to pushing past your feelings or judging yourself for having them in the first place. Emotions are made up of a cascade of body sensations, our own interpretations, and urges or drives to act. They can be difficult to idenfity and label at first, and it can help to start by tuning into what’s happening in your body. Noticing sensations in our bodies like temperature changes, tension, and movement can give us clues to what we’re feeling emotionally.

For example, you might notice a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach—it feels hollow or cold there. Sitting with that sensation for a bit can make it easier to recognize that you’re feeling down, sad, maybe even empty or dejected. Practicing mindfulness in this way is really about gently labeling the emotion and creating just a little space from it, rather than being swept away by it.

2. Common Humanity

We’re all imperfect beings. This is part of what it means to be human.

Common humanity is about embracing your humanness. It means accepting that being human comes with imperfection and flaws— for every single one of us. 

Things won’t always go the way we want them to, we’ll make mistakes, we’ll fail, and we won’t always be the best in the room—and we aren’t meant to be. This can be especially hard to accept if you hold yourself to high or rigid standards. But recognizing that you’re not alone in your struggles is an essential part of softening that inner harshness of a critical voice.

You’re not the only one who has stumbled, failed, or fallen short. This is part of what it means to be human, and it’s something we all share.

3. Kindness

Kindness as a part of self-compassion means extending that natural warmth and tenderness you have for others towards yourself.

Rather than ignoring our pain or critiquing ourselves further when we’re struggling, this part of self-compassion is about supporting ourselves with kindness and understanding. Most of us know what kindness looks like and can easily offer that warmth to others. But sometimes, especially when you’re used to being hard on yourself, offering that same kindness inward can feel uncomfortable or even threatening.

When we practice kindness toward ourselves, it’s not uncommon for inner critical voices to get louder at first. Old beliefs might pop up—like “I don’t deserve kindness,” “If I’m soft on myself, I’ll lose my edge,” or “Being kind to myself means I’m letting myself off the hook.” It’s okay if these thoughts show up. They make sense, especially if you’ve learned to rely on self-criticism as a motivator.

This is where the support of a skilled therapist can make a real difference—helping you gently unpack and shift some of those deep-seated beliefs that make it hard to be compassionate toward yourself.

Why Developing Self-Compassion Matters

Research shows that practicing self-compassion can lead to better mental health and make it easier to handle conflicts and challenges. While that inner critic may have once helped you get things done or kept you striving for high standards, it often comes at a cost.

I sometimes think of those critical voices as motivating by cracking a whip at your heels. It might get you moving or working harder, but it also hurts when that whip keeps striking. Over time, it leaves wounds that don’t heal when you’re lashed again and again.

Shame as a motivator can backfire, leaving you too frozen and overwhelmed to take action.

Developing self-compassion means learning how to support yourself when things are hard or when you’ve made a mistake. Rather than ignoring your pain and letting that harsh inner voice shame you into action, self-compassion helps you meet that difficult moment with care. It’s not about giving up or avoiding responsibility—it’s about feeling supported enough to face what’s hard and do what matters to you, even when it’s challenging.

For example, maybe you just got feedback from your boss that your work isn’t meeting expectations, and they’re disappointed. It’s so understandable for fear, anxiety, and shame to flood in and for that inner critic to tell you you’re bad or a failure, all in an attempt to push you into action. But often, those feelings become so overwhelming that we freeze and find it hard to move forward.

In a moment like this, self-compassion might look like slowing down and recognizing what you’re feeling: shame, disappointment, sadness. Reminding yourself that these emotions make sense given the situation—and that you’re human. We all stumble sometimes, we will not always do our best work. This is a normal part of life.

You can then try to offer yourself some kindness. It might sound like saying to yourself, “This is really hard right now. How can I comfort myself? How can I give myself a little care in this moment?”

Self-Compassion is Not Letting Yourself off the Hook

By offering yourself care and support, it becomes easier to settle those difficult emotions. And rather than avoiding trying again because you fear more failure and pain, self-compassion can help you feel steadier and more confident to take those next steps.

Many people worry that being gentle with themselves when they’re not happy with their performance will make them complacent. But in reality, that gentleness is what helps us show up again and again, even when it’s hard.

When you can offer yourself that kind of inner support, it helps you feel a little safer and more grounded—which makes it easier to face tough moments and keep moving toward what matters to you.

Self-Compassion Practices

Self-compassion is a skill, and like any new skill, it takes time and practice to get comfortable with it. We might not feel very good at it at first, and sometimes we even need to offer ourselves compassion as we’re learning how to practice it! There are many different ways to build self-compassion, and most people find it helpful to have a few strategies that feel like a good fit for them. Here are a few practices you can try out on your own:

• Self-compassion break
  A short practice where you pause to acknowledge your suffering and offer yourself care. Try out this 6 minute audio of the self-compassion break by Chris Germer.
  

• Writing to a friend
  Imagine a close friend was going through exactly what you are. What would you say to them? How would you support them? Write it out as if you’re writing to that friend. See Kristen Neff’s How would you treat a friend exercise for more guidance.
  

• Loving-kindness meditation
  This type of meditation (also called Metta meditation) focuses on cultivating feelings of unconditional kindness and sending them to yourself and others. If you want to give this type of meditation a try, you might want to start with a guided practiced like Tara Brach’s 17 minute Loving This Life – Happiness – Metta.

When It’s Hard to Be Kind to Yourself, Let Someone Help

If you’re someone who’s been hard on yourself for a long time, all of this might sound nice in theory, but incredibly difficult in practice. You might notice your inner critic pushing back, or even feel a little uneasy at the thought of being gentler with yourself. That’s normal. These patterns often run deep, and it takes time to unlearn them.

You don’t have to figure it all out on your own. Working with a counsellor can give you the support and guidance to untangle those old beliefs and start to build new ways of relating to yourself—ways that feel more kind, balanced, and sustainable.

If you’d like some help learning how to be less hard on yourself, I’d love to support you.

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