How to Talk to Your Partner About Going to Couples Counselling (When they don’t want to go)

You care about your relationship. You want it to grow, to feel safe, to last. So it makes sense that you might feel frustrated — even hurt or helpless — when your partner refuses to come to couples counselling. Maybe you’ve brought it up gently. Maybe you’ve pleaded. Maybe it’s come out in the heat of an argument. And still… they don’t seem interested.

Wanting support for your relationship is a sign that you care. But when your partner shuts that door, it can feel like they don’t — even if that’s not the full story.

The truth is, there are often very understandable reasons why someone might not be open to couples counselling. And while it doesn’t mean you have to stop wanting or needing that support, it can be helpful to try to understand where they’re coming from — and give some thought about how to approach the conversation in a new way.

Before Pushing, Get Curious: What’s Making Counselling Feel So Hard for Them?

One of the first things you can do is to step back and bring some curiosity to what is making it difficult for your partner to want to give couples counselling a try. This can be tough when you two have been arguing often, or your own frustration with your partner makes it hard to hear them out. There are some very good reasons why many people are hesitant to come to counselling, and it can really pay off to have the patience to try to understand your partner’s reluctance. 

Instead of pushing harder, which can unintentionally make your partner pull away, it often helps to pause and listen so you can better understand where their reluctance is coming from and approach the conversation from a less confrontational place. 

Common Reasons People Are Hesitant to Come to Counselling

1. Mental Health Stigma

For many people, the idea of going to therapy still carries a deep sense of shame or embarrassment. They might think that going to couples counselling means there’s something wrong with them — or with your relationship. That kind of thinking runs deep, especially if someone grew up in an environment where emotions weren’t talked about or where vulnerability was seen as weakness.

Even though mental health stigma has decreased over time, for many it’s still very real. And when we’re scared or unsure, it’s easy to shut down. So if your partner is resistant, it might not be because they don’t care — but because the idea of counselling feels intimidating or even threatening.

What can help: Try introducing the idea of talking about emotions and relationship dynamics in a low-pressure way. Sometimes starting with less formal resources — like podcasts or books — can feel less intimidating than jumping into counselling.

A few great ones to check out:

• Podcasts: Unlocking Us with Brené Brown, Foreplay (a couples and sex therapy podcast)

• Books: Permission to Feel by Marc Brackett, The Power of Attachment by Diane Poole Heller.

You could even suggest listening to a podcast together while on a drive or reading an excerpt aloud that resonates with you. These small moments of shared reflection can plant seeds that grow into deeper conversations later.

2. Betraying Family Norms

When we’re raised with the unspoken rule that problems stay in the family, it can be hard to start counselling.

Some of us were raised in families where you just didn’t talk about private things with outsiders. Seeking help might have been seen as a betrayal of the family — or a sign of weakness. When someone carries those messages into adulthood, even the thought of sitting in a therapist’s office and opening up can feel like crossing a line or even betraying their family. 

If your partner grew up with these kinds of messages, they may not even be fully aware of how much it’s influencing their view of counselling.

What can help: Rather than trying to convince your partner that therapy is okay, it might be more effective to empathize with them and ask curious, open questions. It makes sense to be nervous to go to counselling. Did your family ever talk about emotions or mental health growing up? 

These kinds of open-ended questions can invite self-reflection instead of triggering defensiveness. When someone feels seen rather than judged, they’re more likely to stay open to the conversation.

3. It’s Just… Scary

Let’s be honest: the idea of sitting in a room and talking about your relationship — especially with a stranger — can feel terrifying. 

What if the counsellor takes sides? 

What if it just turns into more fighting? 

What if it doesn’t help?

These are real, valid fears, and it can be helpful to talk about how to manage some of these concerns together before booking your first appointment. 

What can help: Instead of pushing past your partner’s fears, try gently naming them together. You might say:

“I know the idea of counselling feels scary — it does for me too. But I want us to try because I care about our relationship. I think we could both benefit from having some extra support.”

You can also talk through practical things to help ease their anxiety:

• Pick the therapist together: Many couples therapists offer a free 15–20 minute consultation call. Use this time to ask questions, get a feel for their approach, and decide together if it feels like a good fit.

• Make it clear that you can switch: If either of you doesn't feel comfortable after a few sessions, it’s okay to try someone else. You don’t have to keep working with a counsellor who doesn’t feel like the right fit for both of you.

• Reassure them about the process: A good couples therapist isn’t there to blame anyone or declare a “right” and “wrong” partner. The focus is on understanding the patterns between you — the dynamic you’ve both co-created — and working together to shift it.

Still, if your partner ever does feel ganged up on in a session, that’s important feedback. A skilled counsellor will welcome that input and work to restore safety. And if they don’t? That’s a sign it may be time to find someone else.

4. A Bad Experience in the Past

Unfortunately, not every experience with counselling is a positive one. Maybe your partner saw a therapist years ago and felt judged, dismissed, or like it just didn’t help. Or maybe they tried couples counselling before and felt like nothing changed — or like it made things worse.

That kind of disappointment can linger and understandably leave someone uninterested in trying again.

What can help: Acknowledge their past experience without minimizing it. You might say:

“It makes sense that you’d be hesitant after what you went through. I’d feel that way too.”

If you do decide to meet with a therapist, it can be really helpful to bring up any past experiences — both good and bad — in that first conversation. A thoughtful counsellor will ask what hasn’t worked before and what kind of support you’re hoping for now.

Check Your Tone — and Don’t Make Therapy a Threat

This is maybe the hardest part. When you’re feeling hurt, disconnected, or like you’ve tried everything, it’s completely human to get angry or hopeless. You might find yourself saying things like, “If you don’t go to therapy with me, I don’t know if we’ll make it.”

And while that kind of statement might come from a place of pain, it often lands as an ultimatum — and can push your partner even further away.

Instead, take a breath and try to speak from the heart. When you share what’s really going on underneath your frustration — the fear, the sadness, the longing — it helps your partner hear you differently.

Speak from the Heart: Be Honest and Compassionate

In order for your partner to hear you, you may need to check your frustration and share why this really matters to you from a softer place.

After trying to hold some curiosity and understanding for why your partner is hesitant to come to counselling (and that doesn’t mean you have to agree with them!), see if you can practice sharing why you think it’s important in a different way. 

If you’ve brought up counselling during or after an argument, your partner may have heard your frustration — but not your fear, your hurt, or your hope.

There’s a big difference between:

“You never listen to me! We need to go to counselling so you can learn how to communicate.”

and

“Sometimes I feel really hurt and misunderstood when we fight, and when we don’t resolve things, I start to worry that we’re drifting apart. I care about us, and I want to feel closer and safer with you.”

These small shifts can make a big difference in how our words land. And while vulnerability can be scary, it often helps others soften too.

Give Them Space to Respond

When we’re anxious or stressed, it’s natural to talk more, explain more, and try to fill the silence. But sometimes, that can overwhelm your partner — especially if they tend to be more quiet or need time to process.

Try slowing down. Say your piece, and then pause. Let them respond in their own way, even if it takes a little while.

You might say:

“I don’t need you to decide right away. I just wanted to share what’s been on my mind. I’d really like to hear your thoughts when you’re ready.”

You can also invite them into the conversation by asking:

• “Is there anything in our relationship that you think could be better?”

• “What’s your experience been like when we argue or disconnect?”

Creating space for their voice helps them know that their input matters, and that you’re making this decision together — not like they’re being dragged into something they didn’t choose.

Sometimes we have to be patient while new ideas grow and start to take shape.

Planting the Seed

You might not get an immediate “yes,” and that’s okay. This isn’t about forcing anything — it’s about gently opening the door to a different kind of conversation. By approaching your partner with curiosity, compassion, and honesty, you’re showing that your desire for support comes from a place of care, not criticism. Sometimes, these conversations take time to sink in. You’re not trying to solve everything all at once — you’re simply planting a seed. And that small act of initiating a different kind of conversation might be the first step in creating some change in your relationship.

Curious about what counselling could look like for you or your relationship?

Let’s talk. Reach out for a free consultation.