Your Couples Therapy Questions, Answered by an EFT Couples Therapist
Coming to couples counselling can feel really intimidating. It’s already a big step to go to therapy on your own, but going with your partner, especially when there’s been a lot of struggle or conflict, can bring up even more fears and questions. You might be wondering what it will be like, how your therapist will handle things, or whether it’s really going to help.
Since it’s hard to know exactly what to expect until you’re actually in the room, it can be comforting to explore some of the most common questions I hear as an EFT couples therapist. Let’s take a look.
Getting Started
What’s a first session like?
In your first session, your therapist will begin by going over the informed consent form with both of you. This helps make sure everyone is clear about the process and expectations. While we usually just do this paperwork once, consent is an ongoing process. Throughout therapy, it’s important that you continue to feel informed and comfortable with what’s happening. Your therapist should be transparent about the process and why you’re doing what you’re doing. If you’re ever unsure, it’s a good idea to bring it up with your therapist.
After that, your therapist will ask a bit about your relationship history—how long you’ve been together and some of the significant experiences that have shaped your life as a couple. This might include:
Major losses or grief
Changes in work or career
Personal mental health challenges
Moving or relocation
Having children or expanding your family
Past breaches of trust
Any other events or dynamics that feel important for your therapist to know
These details help your therapist better understand who you are as individuals and as a couple, and how your experiences may be showing up in your relationship dynamic now.
Then, we’ll begin exploring what hasn’t been feeling so good in your relationship: communication breakdown, arguments, disconnection, lack of intimacy, or ongoing hurt. It’s okay if the two of you don’t agree on exactly what the problem is or how things play out. Your therapist is there to support both of you to share your perspectives, even if they feel really different.
When is the best time to go to couples counselling?
There’s no perfect time to start couples counselling, but I often remind couples that it’s actually much more helpful to come before things get really bad and the relationship is in crisis.
If you’re generally getting along well but starting to feel stuck in conflict more often, feel a bit more distant from each other, or notice that things feel more like a roommate dynamic than a romantic partnership—these are actually ideal times to check in with a couples counsellor.
Once negative patterns become more entrenched, the work in counselling can feel harder and take longer. If you’ve had years of unresolved conflict, it’s unlikely that things will shift significantly after just a few sessions. That doesn’t mean therapy won’t help, it just means it may take more time and commitment.
It can also be a great time to start counselling when there have been—or will soon be—big life changes, such as:
Moving in together
Planning to have children or expand your family
Major changes in work or school
A recent or upcoming move
And if there’s been a breach of trust in your relationship, and you find that those painful moments are still surfacing again and again, that’s a strong sign it might be time to reach out for support.
What Happens in Couples Therapy?
Your counsellor will help you communicate in new ways so you both feel understood and more confident getting through tough conversations on your own.
What do you talk about?
In EFT couples therapy, we focus less on the specific content of your disagreements (like chores or money) and more on how those conversations unfold. We look at the emotional patterns that show up—what we call your “cycle.”
We explore what happens emotionally when things go wrong: What do you feel? What do you think about yourself and your partner? How do you act from that place?
Often, couples are stuck in a feedback loop. One person says or does something to try to get their needs met, but it triggers something painful for the other person, who then reacts in a way that intensifies the hurt on the first side. Around and around you go.
We’ll help you slow that down and get clearer on each side of the pattern—so you can start responding differently. After we get a handle on your cycle and you find it easier to respond in new ways towards your partner we start to look more at specific issues in your relationship like past hurts, or difficult decisions ahead of you.
How does couples counselling work?
While there are many different approaches, in EFT your therapist often acts as a kind of translator. When couples get stuck, the real message often gets lost in the delivery.
For example: “You never do the dishes—I have to do everything!” might really mean “I feel overwhelmed and alone. I need to know you care and that I can count on you.”
But the partner might only hear criticism: “You think I’m lazy and don’t do anything right.”
Your therapist will help you uncover and express those deeper emotions and the intended message—so your partner can actually hear what you’re trying to say. Change usually starts to happen when both people feel more understood by their partner, and each person starts to recognize their own part in contributing to the communication breakdown. Learn more about How Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy Helps you Reconnect and Communicate Better.
Logistics and Structure
How do you choose a couples counsellor?
In most jurisdictions, counsellors aren’t required to have specialized training in couples counselling before offering the service. At most, they may have taken one course, or just a few classes, in graduate school to learn the basics. Additional postgraduate training in a specific type of couples therapy means that the counsellor has studied a particular approach in more depth and practiced the skills involved.
It’s a good idea to find out what, if any, specialized training a potential couples counsellor has completed, and to ask them how they work with couples. There are many different types of couples counselling, but the two approaches with the most robust research behind them are Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) and The Gottman Method. That’s not to say other types of couples therapy can’t be helpful—just like the fit with your counsellor is a key factor in how effective counselling is, the specific therapy they use also needs to be a good fit for you.
How often should we come?
In the beginning, it’s usually helpful to come more frequently, maybe weekly or every other week, to really get to know your cycle and start shifting things. Later on, you might space sessions out more.
It’s a personal decision, and there are many factors to consider. You can check out this article on how often to come to counselling if you’d like to explore more.
Why do individual sessions happen?
Your therapist may ask to meet with each of you individually early in the process. This helps them get a better sense of your individual experiences—how your past relationships, family history, emotional needs, and coping strategies show up in your relationship today.
It’s also a chance for you to share anything personal that might be harder to talk about in front of your partner. Your therapist won’t keep big secrets that could impact your joint work, but individual sessions can be a less intimidating place to start sharing.
Common Concerns
It’s normal to be nervous about going to couples counselling. A counsellor can address your concerns in an initial phone consultation or appointment.
What if we don’t have big fights?
That’s okay! Not all couples come in with a lot of conflict. Sometimes the issue is more about disconnection. You might feel that your spark has faded or that you treat each other more like roommates than romantic partners. Life gets busy with work, kids, and responsibilities, and it’s natural for emotional and sexual closeness to shift over time. Counselling can help you reconnect and bring more intentionality back into your relationship, even if you rarely argue.
What if we fight in session?
That’s actually really normal, and okay. EFT therapists are trained to help you work through conflict in real time. Your therapist might gently interrupt or slow things down to help you better understand where you’re getting stuck in arguments, and what is making it tough to understand your partner’s side. Your counsellor will interrupt that argument and help you to communicate in new and different ways in your session.
What if my partner doesn’t open up?
It’s common for one or both people to feel hesitant, especially at the beginning. It’s not uncommon for couples counselling to be someone’s first experience with counselling, and it can feel very intimidating to come with a partner and worry that sharing will start a conflict in the session and make things worse.
Your therapist won’t expect you to lay everything out right away. Instead, they’ll work gently and collaboratively with both of you, creating space to build trust and helping each of you open up at a pace that feels safe and manageable.
What if the counsellor takes sides?
Couples counselling can be hard work, but often leads to a stronger relationship in the long run.
This is a valid concern. Counsellors are imperfect humans like anyone else, and at times they may naturally feel more aligned with one partner. But it’s part of the counsellor’s role to notice those feelings, manage them, and continue acting in the best interest of your relationship as a whole. A key part of their job is to gently hold each of you accountable for your part in the cycle, while still creating a space that feels safe and balanced for both of you.
If you find yourself feeling like the counsellor is regularly aligned against you, it’s important to bring that up in session. It can feel intimidating to speak so directly about what’s happening in your relationship with your counsellor—but if you’re able to find the courage, there’s a good chance they’ll hear you out and respond with care and clarity.
If you’ve voiced your concerns and don’t feel they’ve been adequately addressed, it may be time to consider switching counsellors and finding someone who feels like a better fit for both of you.
Can Couples Counselling Make Things Worse?
Many people worry that talking about hard stuff will stir things up and make things worse. This is a valid concern to have. Sometimes it does feel harder at first, and you might sometimes leave sessions feeling worse than when you went in. Just like in individual therapy, facing painful emotions and unresolved issues can bring up discomfort. But that discomfort often means you’re starting to face your issues head-on, together.
As uncomfortable as couples counselling can be, we have good evidence that couples who complete EFT report significant improvements in relationship satisfaction over time. Think of it as hard work that pays off down the road.
Do we have to relive painful experiences?
EFT focuses mostly on what’s happening in the present. Sometimes we’ll touch on the past to better understand how your relationship patterns developed, but the main goal is building new ways of connecting now. If you feel that there are painful experiences in your relationship that feel unresolved (like a past breach of trust), we may want to explore those further and work on repairing that breach in your bond.
When Is Couples Therapy Not the Right Fit?
There are a few situations where couples counselling might not be appropriate right away:
Divided commitment
If one or both of you are involved in a romantic relationship outside your partnership (that your partner didn’t consent to) it can be really hard to rebuild trust. Therapy works best once outside relationships have ended and both people are committed to the work.
Mental health crisis or active addiction
If one partner is in the middle of a mental health crisis or struggling with active addiction, it might be hard to focus on relationship dynamics. This doesn’t mean you need perfect mental health—but if someone is in crisis mode, individual support might need to come first or alongside couples counselling.
Abusive behaviours
Couples therapy requires a basic level of emotional and physical safety. If you’re afraid to speak openly because of possible retaliation, especially violence, couples counselling might not be the right approach. Sometimes abusive behaviours do show up on one or both sides in a couple’s negative cycle, and both parties need to be able to take responsibility for their behaviours and the impact of them in order for safety to be built. Your therapist will help assess whether enough safety can be established in the room for couples counselling to be helpful. Sometimes individual support is needed first.
Still have Questions about Couples Counselling?
Couples counselling is a space where you and your partner can learn to understand each other more deeply, shift the patterns that keep you stuck, and build a stronger connection. If you’re feeling curious, unsure, or ready to take the next step, let’s talk.
